Rapport Three and a Contest
By persuasion news July 30th, 2011 Building Rapport 14 Comments
Do we need to mirror exactly to obtain rapport? Find out by watching part 3. The answer to the questions might actually shock you.
If you have any interesting stories on using matching and mirroring to gain rapport please post them by commenting on this blog post.
The most interesting story might just get something special ;)
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Kenrick
P.S. I had someone email me an interesting question and I posted the question and response here on the blog. Go check it out.
http://www.maxpersuasion.com/have-you-ever-been-blown-away-by-a-magicians-act/
14 Comments
At one point you mention rapport backfiring on you. Can you explain or give an example?
If you get caught (and you don’t know what to do), it will have backfired on you.
If you are doing what the other person doing, and they say, “hey, are you copying me”? That would be a good example of being caught – and getting caught would (typically) break rapport.
Should that happen, you can laugh and say… Wow, I thought you were copying me. Man, we must really have a lot in common.
Of course, you better do that with a straight face.
That help?
I was recently reminded of the power of matching and mirroring whilst teaching it to a small group of website sales people. I was doing a matching and mirroring demonstration with a women in a workshop i was running and felt a totally random sexual charge as I noticed her go totally red. Something I wasn’t planning on happening and made even more bizaar as I wasn’t attracted to her either. (not my type). I normally always manage to run these workshops in a totally asexual way and this was like a lightning bolt out of the blue that reminded me of the immense power of this approach.
Interesting for sure.
Totally. Great tip on how to cover your tracks should you get busted.
In my practice I use HeartMath’s emWave for biofeedback and emotional stress management. Specifically I use matching and mirroring along with pacing and leading with a new client in the introductory session where they don’t know what to expect. I want them to have certain experiences in that first session so that they will sign up for at least 4 to 6 more sessions, which in turn increases their resilience to stress through practicing the techniques. The results of building rapport are actually quite fast and especially interesting as you can visibly follow the change in state on the computer graph.
HeartMath’s Quick Coherence Technique is a three part process: focus on the heart (get out of the head), focus on deep rhythmic breathing, and finally focus on feeling appreciation. The matching and mirroring part comes into play before the session formally begins, meeting them at their current state, breathing rate and sitting posture. It quickly evolves to pacing and leading as their breathing deepens as mine does. So one of the little tricks I employ during the session is to use suggestion and embedded command that I feel an inner smile begin to appear at the corners of my mouth whenever I practice feeling appreciation. As I say this I begin to smile. Inevitably they follow right along and smile too. Then I know they’re having the specific experience that I want for them. Comparing their first graph (normal state) with the second graph (after the technique) further enforces their success (and mine).
In response to your request for interesting stories…
Let me take a moment to set the stage. I was hired at a company and very quickly was promoted to head of the sales & marketing department. This company has many long term “lifer” employees who over the years have become very internal and set in their ways. This made my job as a manager very challenging to say the least. Cutting to the chase, there was one individual who felt that my position should have been theirs and was seeking to derail me every chance they got. This person would be considered a High I or extremely influential person. It was apparent that they were winding other people up and sending them at me to do their dirty work every chance they got. I am convinced if not for the tools of persuasion I have been studying I would not be at this company anymore, but instead I am now share the number 2 spot in the company with another 30 year “lifer”.
Now to the point of the story with that as a backdrop. We have an early morning meeting every day with about 10 people. During this meeting I set the intention of unconsciously establishing deep rapport with everyone in the room except the nemesis. Using mirroring and matching and crossover pacing with 8 other people was going to be a huge challenge for me, or so I thought. Using peripheral vision I set out on my quest and found that it took only a short period of time before people were following me. I was surprised actually by how easy it was to do. What also surprised me was that not only did I build rapport with a group of people but I also was able to comprehend all the information being conveyed during the meeting.
The person who was causing the trouble for me made a complete shift. In stead of being in control and manipulating the people around me, she was now on the outside looking in and definitely was feeling it! Their behaviour completely changed. Now, instead of attacking me, they were going out of their way to talk to me, it was actually quite comical seeing the need for my acceptance and hearing the lame attempts at trying to get back inside “the group”. This stuff is so powerful. Your teaching Kenrick has been absolutely revolutionary for me!. I’m sure I speak for many others when I say that I appreciate your straight forward approach to sharing things that obviously you have spent many years perfecting. Thanks so much.
Really nice examples and feedback.
You guys rock.
* I should just clarify that when I use the “inner smile” suggestion, my client’s eyes are closed at the time while they’re focusing on the exercise.
Gotta say thanks Kenrick, I’ve been lurking around reading your blogs and listening to your podcasts for a very long time now, and have learned a lot of good subtleties because of it!
A few months after I attended a local NLP Master Practitioner training, I was playing with my 5-year-old cousin. It was one of those childish games and we both had a lot of fun. We ran, laughed, escaped from each other and laughed more… After like 10-15 minutes, I was very tired and needed to stop. My cousin stopped too, sat on my lap and started hugging me… and naturally I hugged him back.
At that moment, I really felt a strong connection with my cousin. He was really enjoying spending time with me, and I was certainly feeling the same way.
And being a Master Practitioner student of NLP, I started wondering the behind-the-scenes chemistry of that strong connection and great feeling. While still enjoying the time, I looked for cues and other sub-modalities.
What I realized was, we were breathing exactly at the same rate and depth. Especially when hugging, it was pretty obvious (but I didn’t notice that before I become conscious of the moment.) At that time, I was NOT trying to match his breathing… nor – at the age of 5 – he was trying to match my breath. It was all natural.
That was not something revolutionary, yet it was the first time I realized the importance of rapport – and especially matching the breathing rate (and depth) of the other side.
After a few experiments, I noticed two things:
1) I was not good at seeing how and when they breath in and out.
2) Even when I could see that, it was not easy to match someone else’s breathing. (Some breath too shallowly, and some others too deep… Some very quickly, some very slowly…)
Both points could be solved with some practice – but at the same time I was also experimenting with other methods which were more obvious. Like matching (or mirroring) bigger movements of their body. This was a lot more easier than pacing their breath – and was getting same (or similar) results as long as I didn’t forget to start leading them.
So, with that experience, in business (or more formal) environments; I started to skip looking for how they breath… and focused on bigger body movements.
But in personal cases – like the time you’re spending with your loved one or looking for a solution to a problem of your closed friend – it certainly helps to pace their breathing (and then remember to lead them.)
While that story with my 5-year-old cousin was (and still is) far from being interesting; it lead me to an interesting learning journey about how rapport works… and I continue that journey with your recent blog posts Kenrick.
Please keep up the great work!
I was walking with a nice lady colleage through a corridor somewhere in the company. Whilst walking and chatting, sometimes another colleage passes in the opposite direction and we greet eachother. Everytime I try to mirror the unconsious ticks all the people have. It’s actually quite funny because nobody notices it
UNTIL A CERTAIN POINT
One colleage has some serious muscle ticks in his face. It’s quite strange when you see it for the first time .. and after a while you get used to it .. The lady colleage has never seen this colleage before ..
So at a certain point in time this guy came across with his strange facial ticks. As soon as we greeted he lifted and tilted his head whilst at the same performing a big eye-wink. It’s quite like a big lumberjack wink from the 80′s.
The lady colleage showed a small grin on her face .. Then .. then I mirrorred his uncounsious greeting. And just when she want to tell me how strange she found this guy, she saw me do exactly the samen heheheh. .. flabbergasted! ..
It was good rapport making .. but this time it worked on the wrong target hehehe.
That was one of my funniest experiences with the uncounsious greeting practice.
Thank you for this nice moment
peace
-Joost
You’re welcome, Alan.
Burak,
You are discovering something quite profound. You’ll find that breathing, when you pace it, can be a very powerful way to increase rapport. It will get easier to see and do it as you practice.
Remember too, that you can do cross over pacing with breathing… i.e. you raise and lower your finger in time with their breathing, or sway forward and backward with their breathing etc. This can be amazingly powerful.
Good job, keep at it.
Joost,
Great story. Rapport can be so fun (and funny). Definitely helps us not take ourselves too seriously, doesn’t it.